(Warning Long) Am I wanting to leave a man for petty reasons or because of deal breakers?
Question by : (Warning Long) Am I wanting to leave a man for petty reasons or because of deal breakers?
My bf wants us to stay together but I want out but to remain friends if possible.
He thinks we are great together and can’t understand my feelings:
When he was in his 20s he blew college off. He took out student loans and ended up skipping classes and using the money to buy music equipment to make it in music. He ran away from the loans for over a decade and they practically tripled with interest (7g -> 20g-ish).
So in his mid 30’s he’s stuck at a $ 10/hr blue collar factory-like job he hates. With a bad economy it’s hard for him to find better. He doesn’t want an inside desk job. So the rest of his money, time, and effort go to his music and trying to make it. Believe me music PC, software, hardware, instruments, and driving money for mostly non-paying gigs eats up most of the money (and an $ 80 dollar a month pot habit). Sometimes on weekends/holidays when he takes a break from music, he’ll play the video game “Team Fortress” easily from 4 to 8 hrs a free day.
The only time we can hang out is when he wants to eat and it’s often bar food he asks me to go out and get. He seems happy with this lifestyle and feels one day he’ll make it in music and it’ll be all worth it.
I want a man who is relationship-oriented and is wise with his money. I like the simple joys of going for regular walks in nature or bike rides and playing tennis (even to do yoga and even ballet together would be a plus but I know this is asking for a lot). I am into the locavore scene and eating whole foods locally grown at farmer’s markets and eating at locavore restaurants. I love to watch good movies together, especially foreign and I am interested in Tantra (and even massage and meditation – especially silence/minimal talking in nature, in general).
He’s played tennis with me maybe 5 times in ten years. He regularly tempts me with bad foods and some new grease joint/pub/bar. I’ve asked him to spend more time doing outdoor recreation with me and to stop tempting me. He just blows me off and continues and this has been for years now so I know it’s not going to change.
I just feel he’s happy as things are and I feel he is a nice guy but his lifestyle and ambitions are not compatible with me beyond a friendship. When we first got together I was down at the time because I had been taken advantage by a sex offender who posed as an alternative healer and he was down at the time because he never had a girlfriennd (only 21 one night stands) and he was lonely. We were both drinking at the time and that’s how we hooked. Ten year’s later, he’s still the same guy, maybe a bit more mature (I think still drinking and especially still smoking pot has kept him kind of immature and lazy when it comes to anything but music) and I feel I stopped drinking years ago and really question my future and wanting a marriage like my parents: my father had a good job and supported my mom who was a visual artist. Now my father is retired and enjoys a nice pension and social security and they live within their means and enjoy the simple things each day together (ie getting coffee together, walking their dog, ging to nice restaurants time to time, taking little trips here and there, and every few years going on a cruise, etc).
His parents: his father is a blue collar worker who drinks a lot of light beer and his mother is a travel agent and they don’t seem happy. His dad seems depressed and is pre-diabetic and his mom complains about being unhappy with him, that he is miserable and just watches Westerns on TV. I don’t want to become like this.
What happened to us? Did we just grow up and/or grow apart (mainly me)? I don’t get close to many people and he’s like a best friend, like a brother. I love him but I am not “in love” with him. If he was a girl the solution would be simple, we stay “roomies” or close buds but since he’s a man it makes it harder for both of us to move on if I don’t leave. He gets very mad when i talk of leaving and reminds me I am quirky and won’t find anyone better so why go. I am very quirky as I am on the autistic spectrum but I have a dream in my heart for something more, though I don’t want to hurt him or lose his friendship. he is a good guy just not the right “husband material” for me and I’m getting older and life is passing and my mom keeps reminding me the older I get the less chance I’ll have and all the wasted years without the right one. It’s just sometimes scary and sad to leave what you’ve known so long and like but don’t love lots.
Any advice, observations?
One last example, I’ve always wanted to go on a cruise where the water is bright blue and the sands so white, even for just a weekend. I offered to save the money for both me and my bf and he said no that I was wasting money and he wasn’t interested. I think of all the gigs he drove through many states and many had little audience and he rarely sold any of the various CDs he paid to have professionally mastered and printed and how can my trip costing 1-2 grand in 10 years be so bad? I just can’t understand why he can’t see the logic of all this? His music has cost tens of thousands over 10 years. I’ve tried to pint this out to him and he blows me off and laughs and continues on his ways. Is this because he is being immature, selfish, ignorant, thoughtless, arrogant, and disrespectful? (Probably because he was a mamma’s boy and she spoiled him too much?)
I don’t know if I’ll find another and if he’ll be better but I want to be happy, I want to be with my champion. I want to be the mino
Best answer:
Answer by lindz
I would honestly sit down and have a serious talk with this man. See where you both stand and what you both want. If he can’t make a sacrifice for you, or be considerate of your passions and dreams then it’s time to walk away.
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